Surrender
by aliendroid
Summary: Goku's mind and heart can't take much more. In his dreams he watches the death of those he feels were once important to him. He hears voices in his mind calling out. The others watch as the young boy spirals into a deep pit of despair, can they pull him out? SanzoGoku GojyHakkai yaoi


_**Surrender**_

**Okay so this is going to be SAD! Just thought I'd warn you. This story is the third in a line of one shots I've written for Saiyuki. It can be read separately, but if you are interested please check out the other two stories, "Lost in Illusions" and "Silent Cry".**

**Plot Bunny: Odango**

**Plot: Goku's mind and heart can't take much more. In his dreams he watches the death of those he feels were once important to him. He hears voices in his mind calling out. The others watch as the young boy spirals into a deep pit of despair, can they pull him out?**

**Rating: T**

**Pairings: 39, 58**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Saiyuki**

_**Surrender**_

"NO!" Goku bolted up in bed shivering, tears running from his eyes, and gasping for air. He looked around, and found he was the only one in the bed. Sanzo wasn't sleeping beside him, again. Bringing his hands up, he hid behind the thin shield as he stifled his sobs, and reigned in his emotions. How many times did this make? How many nights would he wake up screaming because of images he couldn't remember once he opened his eyes? Every time it happened it was like a name was on the tip of his tongue, but he could never grasp it. Like a figure made of smoke every time he reached for it, it dispersed and faded.

A soft knock on his hotel room door drew his attention from his thoughts. "Goku," Hakkai's concerned voice called softly, "Are you okay?"

Quickly he wiped the tears away and forced cheer into his voice, "Yeah, why?"

"I thought I heard you scream," Hakkai answered. "Goku, are you really alright?"

He flinched at the soft caring tone in that voice. Why did the concern from his companions trouble him so much now? When did he start hiding this unease from them? "I'm fine," Goku responded, "Just tired."

"Alright." Goku listened as Hakkai's footsteps got further and further from his door, before getting out of the bed, and moving to the window. Opening the shutters he looked up into the night sky, a silent thought in his mind:

_I want to surrender._

The wind brushed Goku's cheeks, the biting cold stinging his skin as it passed. Still the numbing effect did little to vanquish the distress racing through him. Now that he was awake a new source of confusion and pain surfaced, the voices of villagers. Voices damning him, cursing him, and rejecting him. Faces looking at him with fear and disgust.

Goku squeezed his eyes shut and covered his ears hoping to drown out the constant drone of noise that his mind pulled up. He knew when the feeling of guilt over his existence had started, when Hazel showed up. No maybe it was before that when Sanzo was hurt by that cursed monk, Rikudo. The feeling that he wasn't supposed to be on this earth, that his existence was a constant danger to those around him. He was neither human nor demon, but he was less than a god.

_What am I?_

The question caused a blank in Goku's mind. No matter how many times he asked the question he could never come up with an answer. He knew his name, but that was it. He didn't know where he was from, or how he had come to be alone. He had no answers, only questions. It was terrifying, lonely, but mainly it was exhausting. He just wanted to stop thinking, to stop remembering, to stop dreaming. He just wanted it to all stop. Surrender, that's what he wanted.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Sanzo looked up as Hakkai walked into the room, his face solemn. "He still crying?" Sanzo asked. He had once again been woken up by Goku crying in his sleep. It was unnerving to hear such a torn voice from Goku. Unable to beer listening to it and unable to wake him Sanzo had left the room and had gone to Hakkai and Gojyo's.

Hakkai shook his head, "No, he's awake now."

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. Something in Hakkai's tone and posture told him he was leaving something out. "What's wrong?" Sanzo demanded.

The green eyed demon looked at Sanzo, worry for Goku clear in his one true eye. "He won't say anything," Hakkai answered. "No matter what I ask, or how many times he just smiles and says nothing's wrong. He's bottling it up and it isn't right! Sanzo he can hurt himself this way!"

"You think I don't know that?" Sanzo snapped. He hated this. Every day he watched as the light slowly left Goku's eyes. As he slowly became more and more withdrawn. His smile had dulled, and he even ate with less enthusiasm. Sanzo had become truly distressed when Goku started calling out in his dreams, calling out for people he didn't know.

"Been able to figure out who this Konzen is?" Gojyo asked.

Sanzo lit a cigarette, took a drag, and said, "No. I also can't find anything on a Nataku, Tenpo, or Kenren."

"What about the Sanbushin? Are they of any help?" Hakkai asked.

"None," Sanzo answered with a scowl. "Every time I've asked about Goku's past they suddenly become tight lipped. It's like they refuse to tell me about it. All I know is he committed some great sin in heaven before he was locked in that cave."

Hakkai sighed and poured himself a cup of tea. Gojyo was shuffling a deck of cards, just to give himself something to do. They were all worried about the boy. Hearing Goku call for someone unknown was disturbing. For Sanzo though it was upsetting. He knew everything about the boy since he had taken him out of that prison, so not knowing what was causing him pain was pissing the monk off.

"Sanzo?" Everyone turned to see Goku standing in the doorway. Though he was smiling his eyes were puffy and red, and his voice was hoarse.

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. Putting out his cigarette, he stood, and stalked over to the short brunet. Gripping his chin Sanzo forced Goku to look at him. "You were crying," it wasn't a question, it was a statement.

Goku's eyes widened. Jerking his chin out of Sanzo's grasp he grinned, "It's nothing. Just a bad dream."

"About?" Sanzo queried.

Goku paused. He didn't know, and he didn't want to bother Sanzo with his problems. He didn't want them to know about his decision. They already had so much to worry about. "Just the time when I was shot by Ukoku," he lied.

A brief flash of something akin to anger passed over Sanzo's eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it came. Whatever it was that Goku felt he had to hide Sanzo would find the answer to it. Goku was disappearing right before his eyes again. Except this time, he didn't have anyone to lash out at. He had no place to direct his anger. The cause of Goku's trouble wasn't something Sanzo could physical fight off for the boy. It was something internal, something he had to deal with alone. Sanzo just hoped he didn't lose Goku while he was trying to work everything out.

"Um, Sanzo I'm kind of hungry," Goku mumbled.

Purple eyes widened for a moment before settling back into their usual bored appearance. "Fine," he said grabbing his card and slipping his robe on. "Let's go get breakfast."

Goku's smile faded as he followed behind Sanzo. _'I'm sorry Sanzo.'_

_xXx Surrender xXx_

It was mid day and they were traveling through more barren and empty lands. The sun was beating down on them. The air was hot and the wind wasn't providing any form of respite. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky either, so when a shadow suddenly developed over them they jumped from the jeep. Hakuryuu turned into dragon form just before a large boulder crushed him.

"Oh come on," Gojyo groaned.

"I found you baldy!" Lirin cheered from atop the large rock. "Today I'll get that scripture from you!"

"Here," Sanzo said tossing a bun towards the annoying little girl.

"Lady Lirin!" Yaone called as she arrived.

"What are you doing here?" Kougaiji asked glaring down at his little sister.

"Oh, hi big brother!" Lirin smiled up at him from atop Sanzo's shoulders.

"Considering you're all already here," Gojyo said calling on his weapon and rushing forward. His brother met him halfway. "What no hello?"

"Didn't realize you missed me so badly?" Doukugakuji retorted.

Hakkai and Yaone smiled and greeted each other before engaging, which left Goku and Kougaiji to fight. They faced each other. Kougaiji sized Goku up. As usual he had a confident stance, but this time something was off. He didn't have time to ponder it because Goku rushed forward, sending a kick towards his head. Blocking Kougaiji returned with a punch, it struck Goku's face. The demon prince's eyes widened. He couldn't remember the last time he had been able to land such an easy hit before.

Goku jumped back and wiped the trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth. This was what he needed. Kougaiji would be able to do it. It wouldn't be weird for someone like him to defeat him. Maybe now, finally, he would be able to stop thinking. Maybe he would finally be able to stop feeling.

With narrowed eyes Goku reengaged Kougaiji. The redhead was catching on to the difference in Goku, he wasn't defending. "What is wrong with you?" Kougaiji demanded.

"Kill me," Goku whispered.

Kougaiji's eyes widened. "What?!"

They landed on a rock away from everyone and Goku straightened to look at the taller demon. "You can do it, right? I'm not your friend. We're enemies. It should be easy."

Kougaiji's eyes narrowed. What was he talking about? Why would someone who normally fought so hard to stay alive want to die? "What is going on?" Kougaiji demanded.

Without answering Goku rushed forward and attacked Kougaiji recklessly. The demon prince didn't have time to consider why his assailant was making such a request. All he could do was block his attacks. If he didn't do something soon Goku would overpower him. Sending up a silent curse Kougaiji jumped up and started to call his summons.

Sanzo watched the fight between Kougaiji and Goku closely. "Something wrong with monkey boy?" Lirin asked. "He seems a bit off."

Sanzo said nothing as he observed Goku's actions. His eyes narrowed as Kougaiji landed another hit. What was that idiot doing? Sure they were both strong, but it was like Goku wasn't even trying to defend himself. They stopped fighting for a while and seemed to exchange a conversation. Then they were fighting again. This time Goku seemed desperate about his actions. What was he doing?

Sanzo's eyes widened when Kougaiji jumped away and began to call his summons. Goku was doing nothing, just standing there. Realization came all too quickly, like a cold hand gripping his heart. "Idiot!" Sanzo hissed rushing forward. Lirin fell from his shoulders but he paid no mind to that. "Move monkey!" he shouted.

Sanzo's voice drew Hakkai and Gojyo's attention. They searched for Goku, their eyes widening as they found him. Forgetting their own opponents they rushed for the boy who was now in the path of Kougaiji's fire beast.

Goku's eyes were closed. This was it. He was finally going to be able to rest. No more nightmares. No more whispered words. No more frightened looks. He would no longer have to worry about any of it. Surrender, that's what he was doing. He was finally surrendering to the chaotic sea of torment.

"Move monkey!" Goku eyes shot open as he was tackled to the ground by Sanzo. He heard the monk's low chanting and then the scripture was surrounding them, blocking out the summoned beast.

Kougaiji deactivated the spell and stood glaring at the small teen still pinned beneath Sanzo. "Seems I failed," he said.

"What the fuck were you trying to do?!" Sanzo growled. Kougaiji went to answer but he realized Sanzo wasn't speaking to him, he was addressing Goku. "Were you trying to kill yourself? Were you?!" Goku didn't meet his eyes. Fear crept into Sanzo's soul. Gripping Goku's chin Sanzo forced, for the second time that day, him to look at him. Goku's eyes were blank, as if he had completely given up on living. "You fucking idiot!" Sanzo screamed.

Hakkai and Gojyo ran up to Sanzo. Both gasped at the dead look in the once vibrant golden eyes. Goku was breathing, but he wasn't with them. He was somewhere else. Somewhere they couldn't reach him.

"Let's go," Kougaiji called.

"What about the scripture?" Lirin asked.

Kougaiji looked back to the group, his eyes narrowing on Goku. With a sigh he walked over to them and said, "I don't know what's wrong with him, but that's the first time I've ever had someone ask me to kill them."

Hakkai gaped at Kougaiji. "He-he did what?" he managed to ask.

"Next time I'll take the scripture, so you make sure that idiot is awake for it," Kougaiji said walking away and leaving Hakkai's question unanswered.

Hakkai looked over to Gojyo, who was looking at him with a similar look, fear. What were they supposed to do now? They looked to Sanzo who was sitting there, Goku in his lap, as if he was completely lost. Why had Goku done it? What had driven him to such a measure? Why hadn't they seen the depth of what he was going through?

Despite their questions the only thing they did know was that Goku was gone. Sure they had his body, but Goku himself was out of their reach.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Deciding it was best to backtrack, the group went back to the village they had just left. Getting two rooms at the inn they went up stairs and settled it. They had to carry Goku up the stairs. He wasn't responding to anything they said or anything they did. It was almost like he was asleep, except his eyes were wide open.

Reaching the second floor Sanzo took Goku to one of the rooms, while Gojyo and Hakkai went to the other. The door closed behind him and he set Goku down on the bed. Not sure of what to do Sanzo moved to the window and opened it. He felt that he should be doing something, but he didn't know what. He was helpless, all he could do was sit there and keep watch over Goku's prone body.

"Listen up you stupid monkey," he said from the window, "If you don't wake the fuck up I'm going to seriously hurt you."

His words were a bluff and he knew it. Hell Goku probably even knew in his catatonic state. All he wanted was for some kind of reaction. Anything, a twitch of his finger, a flutter of his eyelashes, hell he'd even take a changing in his breathing patterns! He just wanted Goku to show some sign that he was awake in there.

Of course Sanzo's words brought no response. The monk sighed and looked out the window. He didn't know what to do to wake Goku up. Threatening him obviously wasn't working. If only he knew what it was that Goku was running from. Then he would be able to at least formulate a plan on how to fight against it, or make Goku face it.

"Shit," Sanzo leaned back against the windowsill and lit a cigarette. It wasn't easy watching someone so important fade away in front of him. Even harder to accept was the fact that Goku had willingly done this to himself. Sanzo knew Kougaiji hadn't done anything. They had faced him countless times and that summons of his, and this had never happened before. It was like Goku's very soul had gone deep within his body, not even Sanzo could sense him. He couldn't hear him either.

Sanzo's lost gaze drifted to Goku's still form. The young brunet just laid there staring up at the ceiling with a lifeless expression. He moved from the windowsill and sat on the edge of the bed. Leaning over he pressed his lips to Goku's. "Please," Sanzo whispered against his mouth, "Please come back to me."

_xXx Surrender xXx_

It was quiet, so very quiet. There was nothing, just endless amounts of darkness. How long had he been there? Why was he there? Golden eyes opened and looked around. Images, thousands of images surrounded him. He didn't recognize anyone in the images, and yet he did. He knew these people, he had been close to them. Why? Why couldn't he remember them?

The images changed and a new set, a more current set, took its place. Goku knew these people. Gojyo, Hakkai, and… Sanzo. He reached for the image of his lover, but his hand just passed right through it. What was going on? Was he dead? Was this his life flashing before his eyes? Then who were those other people before? Why, why couldn't he remember?!

"WHY?!" he screamed into the vast void that surrounded him.

The images changed again. Goku's eyes widened as he watched the scene play out. There was someone in front of him, a sword held high. Then suddenly there was red, so much red. It took Goku a while, but he soon realized it was blood. The blood of the boy in front of him.

"No!" Goku reached out to stop the flow, but again his hand passed right through.

The image continued to play. He was no longer him. He was now the Seiten Teisai. More blood. So much blood, and all because of him. Goku squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to see anymore! Why was he seeing this? He didn't remember any of it!

"Stop it!" he screamed covering his eyes as if to block the images from entering his mind.

Who was that? Why had he been so upset over his death? What was going on? Where was he? He couldn't remember. There was nothing. All he could see and remember was nothing. What had happened to him?

"_Abomination."_

"_Demon."_

"_Filthy."_

"_Evil."_

"_Demon."_

"_Unnatural."_

"_Unclean."_

"_Kill it. Kill it. Kill it. KILL IT!"_

"Shut up!" Goku screamed. The voice played in his mind despite him covering his ears. It hurt to not know. It hurt to hear. It hurt to see.

"_Please,"_ a soft voice whispered in Goku's ear, "_Please come back to me."_

Goku's eyes snapped open. He knew that voice. That voice that called him from his darkest moments. He knew the one it belonged to. "Sanzo," Goku whispered.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Hakkai and Gojyo sat in their room playing cards. Every now and then one of them would get up and go check on Goku and Sanzo, well check on Sanzo. Goku hadn't changed. Both of the men were growing more and more worried about the young boy. They knew he had been troubled by something, but, like Sanzo, they didn't know what it was.

"Is there really nothing we can do?" Gojyo asked.

Hakkai shook his head solemnly. "He isn't physically injured, so there's nothing I can do. And Sanzo says there's nothing he can do either."

Gojyo scoffed, "Then what the hell good is he? He's supposed to be the boy's lover and guardian!"

"Gojyo," Hakkai tried to calm the redhead. He understood why he was so upset, they all were, but it wouldn't do any good to lash out. "Sanzo is just as lost as we are. If anything he might be feeling even more powerless. After all, as you said, he loves Goku. Seeing him like this, it must be killing him."

Gojyo rested his forehead on the table. With pained eyes Hakkai made his way over to the redhead. Gojyo felt warm arms wrap around his shoulders. It was so nice to be able to feel Hakkai's touch. "What are we going to do if he doesn't wake up?" he asked.

Hakkai winced at the question. He didn't want to think about what they would do. He didn't want to think about what would happen to Sanzo if Goku never woke up. "I don't know," he answered truthfully.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Sanzo was still leaning over Goku's form, his forehead pressed to his. If he could only reach him somehow, then he might be able to bring him back.

"Sanzo." Purple eyes widened and Sanzo bolted up right. Had he heard right? Had Goku called his name?

"Goku," Sanzo touched Goku's cheek gently. "Come on Goku wake up."

As Sanzo watched Goku's eyelashes fluttered. He felt his heart stop and his breathing freeze as Goku's eyes closed for the first time since he had gone into himself. As they closed tears began to shimmer at the corners of his eyes. Suddenly Goku rolled over onto his side and curled up, sobs racking his body. Sanzo's heart began to beat again. He scooped the boy up into his arms and held securely as he cried.

"Sanzo!" Goku cried clinging to the monk. "Where was I?"

Sanzo ran his hand through Goku's hair. He wasn't very good at this comforting thing, but he just had to hold onto him. Goku was awake, in his arms, and calling for him. He was not going to let go of him now. "I don't know," Sanzo said pressing a kiss to Goku's hair, "But you're back."

Goku cried harder and clung to Sanzo. He couldn't remember anything. The last thing he could recall was fighting Kougaiji, and feeling the overwhelming sensation of nothing as he surrendered to his roiling emotions. Then he heard Sanzo's voice calling him and he was back in the room they had left that morning. Why was he crying? Why was he so scared? He didn't know.

A soft knock at the door drew Sanzo's attention. "Sanzo it's us we're coming in," Hakkai called.

"Yo, how's ev-" Gojyo's question was stopped short at the sight of Goku crying in Sanzo's arms, awake. "You-" Gojyo nearly collapsed in relief, instead he leaned against the wall for support. "Thank Kami-sama."

Hakkai rushed to Sanzo and Goku and began to check over the younger brunet the best he could. Nothing had changed, his physical condition was still perfect. He could sense emotional turmoil, but nothing he could heal. He sighed, "Welcome back Goku."

Goku looked over to Hakkai, his face stained with tears. "Where was I?" he asked.

Hakkai shook his head. He didn't have an answer for him.

"Who cares?" Gojyo said walking over to them, "You're back. That's all that matters. Don't you ever pull something like this again!"

Goku nodded his head. He wasn't sure what he had done, but it obviously upset his three companions. Realizing he was still in Sanzo's lap Goku tried to move, but Sanzo's arms tightened around him preventing his actions. Hakkai took in the possessive hold, and led Gojyo from the room so they could be alone.

"Sanzo?" Goku called softly looking up at the blonde. What he saw made him shiver. Sanzo was looking at him with a mixture of love, furry, and hurt.

"Why?" Sanzo whispered. "Why did you run from it? Why did you hide this from me?" Sanzo asked. "What's wrong?!" Goku flinched at tone of Sanzo's voice. He sounded almost as broken has he felt. Before he could answer Sanzo's arms tightened around him, drawing him flush against his chest. "Do you have any idea how scared I was when I saw you just standing there as Kougaiji's summons was coming at you? I thought I was going to die. Stop trying to leave me dammit!"

Goku's eyes widened. He hadn't realized his pain and silence had been causing Sanzo such misery. Tentatively Goku wrapped his arms around Sanzo and returned the embrace. "I can't remember anything," Goku whispered.

Sanzo pulled back and looked down to Goku. "What?"

Goku bit his bottom lip. Looking up into Sanzo's eyes he started to explain everything, "I can't remember anything from my nightmares. I just wake up screaming. It's like I want to remember something important but can't. Then I hear voices. They call me things like demon, filth, abomination, and they call for my death." Goku paused to calm his voice. It had started to shake and he refused to let himself be seen any weaker than he already was. Taking a deep breath he continued, "Then I see you, Hakkai, and Gojyo all getting injured because of me."

Sanzo's eyes widened. He was talking about the Seiten Teisai.

Goku's golden eyes filled with fear. "Do you know what's it like to have the thing your most afraid of inside of you? My greatest enemy is literally myself! I can hurt any of you at any time, and I can't stand it. I want this to end!"

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. Gripping Goku's chin he forced him to meet his eyes. "Don't you ever say that again," he growled.

Tears formed in Goku's eyes again. "I hate this Sanzo! Why can't I just feel better already? I can't remember anything yet I'm full of pain. I hate it."

Sanzo's arms wound around Goku's body and held him close. "Shh, I'll save you. I'll make you feel better," he whispered his silent promise into Goku's ear. It was heard only by the small trembling boy, but with those words Goku felt himself relax. He wanted Sanzo to make it all go away, just like he took him away from that prison. He wanted Sanzo to make him feel better.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

The next morning Sanzo and Goku walked out of the room together and headed down to the restaurant. They had spent most of the night talking. Goku had told Sanzo everything he could while Sanzo tried his best to sooth him. It wasn't something he was good at, but he couldn't allow Goku to slip away from him again. Nearly losing Goku because of Ukoku had almost driven him insane. When Goku was kidnapped and he couldn't find him he had been desperate (1). This time Goku had been right in front of him again, but this time he didn't even have a chance to react to something physical. He wouldn't let that happen again. It had terrified him to see Goku lying there with that dead stare in his eyes.

"Yo, up already monkey?" Gojyo teased as he and Hakkai joined them at the table.

"Shut up water sprite!" Goku retorted with a grin.

Hakkai laughed as Goku and Gojyo fell into their usual pattern. Turning his eyes to Sanzo his laughter died as he took in the hard concentration on the monk's features. He looked back to Goku and tried to see what Sanzo was seeing. He couldn't. Though he traveled with them it wasn't like he knew Goku nearly as well as Sanzo. Sighing he sat beside the blonde. He would just trust that Sanzo knew what was best and could help Goku.

They all had their demons they had to work through. Gojyo had helped him passed his past and the death of his sister by being there for him. Hakkai knew he had helped Gojyo with his own issues by giving him love and acceptance. Sanzo had been saved by Goku probably more than he was willing to admit. Goku had even been healed by them all in one way or another, but it seemed there was still a piece of him trapped in the dark. Whatever that piece was Hakkai just knew it wasn't something him or Gojyo could help him with. Sanzo had to be the one to fix this.

"What can I get you?" asked the waitress as she came up to the table. Hakkai pulled himself out of his thoughts and ordered his breakfast. It wouldn't do any good to get caught up in this. He'd just trust Sanzo.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

On the road again, the group continued to head west. The difference this time was Sanzo was in the back with Goku. The boy hadn't slept much last night and neither had he. Deciding they could sleep on the road Sanzo made sure Goku was right next to him. This way he could hold him even while he dreamt. He knew his touch probably wouldn't be enough to keep the nightmares at bay, but at least this way he could try and give him some form of comfort while they plagued his monkey.

Hakkai and Gojyo said nothing at this idea. Gojyo was happy to be able to ride up front with Hakkai, and he would prefer Sanzo be the one to take care of Goku. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he partly blamed the monk for Goku's condition getting so bad. In Gojyo's mind if he hadn't left the room in the middle of the night when Goku was having those nightmares things might not have progressed to this point. Of course Gojyo understood it wasn't easy for anyone to see their loved one in pain. Still, he held Sanzo responsible, and that feeling wasn't fading just because Goku had woken up.

Hakkai realized Gojyo's feelings towards Sanzo and planned to talk to him about them. Every time he did though Gojyo changed the subject or avoided answering. He realized he didn't want to talk about it, perhaps because he realized his own feelings were unfair, but Hakkai needed Gojyo to talk to him. He would try again when they stopped to make camp. They wouldn't reach another town for at least three days so they would have to stop at some point.

"Mmnn, no," Hakkai and Gojyo looked over their shoulders at the soft cry from Goku. "Nn Konzen, no."

Sanzo's eyes opened and his arms tightened around the small brunet. Tears were shimmering in his eyes but not falling. As Goku continued to dream Sanzo held him close. He ran his hand through his hair and kissed his brow, anything to sooth him.

"Sa-no-zo," Goku's voice was barely a whisper as he called his name.

"I'm right here," Sanzo whispered back holding Goku close. He didn't know if he could hear him in his dreams, but he didn't care. Goku sighed and seemed to relax. Sanzo smiled and kissed his lips gently.

Hakkai and Gojyo had quickly averted their eyes the second Sanzo had woken up, but they were still watching through the rearview mirror. It was a little unnerving to see the hard monk being so gentle with Goku, but it was also a nice sight. Hakkai hoped that this little show would help ease some of Gojyo's worries as well.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Darkness had fallen over the land and the party had stopped for the night. After setting up the tents Hakkai began to prepare dinner. Goku sat next to him complaining about the need for food, while Gojyo actually helped him. Sanzo was sitting across the fire trying to ignore the group.

"You could help too you know monkey," Gojyo scolded.

"You really want me to cook?" Goku asked, a grin spreading across his face.

"No!" Sanzo growled.

The three across from him stared at him. He ignored the looks and began to clean his gun. Hakkai laughed and said, "That isn't necessary Goku, but thank you for the thought."

"Oh," Goku pouted, "Fine." Standing up he walked over to Sanzo and sat down. Resting his elbows on his knees he cradled his chin in his hands. "Hey Sanzo," he said.

"What?" Sanzo responded.

"What do I say while I sleep?" Goku's question startled Sanzo, but he wasn't unprepared for it.

Putting his gun back into the folds of his clothes he looked up at the starry sky. "You call out for several people. You cry over and over and beg them to not leave you," Sanzo paused. "The more common names are Kenren, Tenpo, Nataku, and … Konzen."

Goku's face scrunched up. He didn't recognize any of those names, yet for some reason he felt he should. Was it because they had something to do with his past, the past he couldn't remember? "Do you know who they are?" he asked. He had folded his arms on top of his knees and was now hiding behind them.

Sanzo looked over to the boy. Releasing a sigh, he pulled Goku out of his little self made shield and made him look at him. When he was sure the other was watching him he said, "No. I've asked the Sanbushin before about your past, but they won't tell me anything. I can't give you the answers you want."

Goku's eyes darkened. Scooting closer to Sanzo he rested his head on his shoulder. "Maybe it's better I don't remember everything," he whispered.

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. Something told him Goku was better off not knowing, but at the same time that he would probably be happier knowing. Instead of saying anything Sanzo wrapped one arm around Goku and just held him casually. The brunet smiled to himself at the act. Sanzo showed his support for him in the strangest ways, and he found it sweet.

Hakkai and Gojyo watched the scene from the other end of the fire. Glancing over to the redhead Hakkai took the chance to breach the topic he had been wanting to discuss with Gojyo all day. "Don't blame him," he said.

Gojyo looked over to Hakkai, a stern warning in his eyes. "Don't go there Hakkai."

"No," Hakkai retorted, "You need to listen to me. You can't blame Sanzo for Goku's state. We're all partially to blame. We all saw it, and didn't do anything to stop it. No, I should probably say we didn't know what to do to stop it. We've all been fighting our pasts," Hakkai's eyes softened as he looked at Gojyo, "Some with a bit more success because of another person."

Gojyo turned his face away, a small blush visible in the firelight. "Yeah I understand that, but he didn't have to leave the kid's side at night," he commented.

"And I'm sure Sanzo realizes he made the wrong choice in doing that," Hakkai reasoned. "Look at him now. He's trying to help Goku. So please Gojyo stop blaming him."

Gojyo looked back over to Hakkai and sighed. How could he refuse his lover when he was asking him with such a pleading voice? "Fine, I won't blame him." Hakkai smiled, and Gojyo held up his hand, "But if he lets Goku get like that again I'll beat the shit out of him."

Hakkai leaned over and kissed Gojyo's cheek, "Fair enough."

_xXx Surrender xXx_

Once again that night Sanzo held Goku close as they slept. This time when Goku began to cry in his sleep Sanzo began to talk softly to him. As he spoke he ran his fingers through his hair. The combination of the two acts seemed to calm the boy. He cuddled closer to Sanzo, as if seeking his warmth and protection. Sanzo's arms tightened around him, more than willing to give it.

He might not have been able to physically fight Goku's fears away, but he could help him get through them slowly. He would help put Goku's shattered subconscious back together. If it took him months or years he would help Goku feel better.

The small boy sighed in his sleep and whispered, "Sanzo," before drifting into a less upsetting sleep.

"Yeah, I'm right here," Sanzo answered kissing Goku's brow and settling back down to sleep himself. Goku had nightmares one more time that night, but it didn't last long now that Sanzo knew how to handle them. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. He would remain beside Goku and slowly heal him.

_xXx Surrender xXx_

The next morning the group continued on. Sanzo was sitting up front with Hakkai, and Gojyo and Goku were in the back. Despite everything that had happened Goku's eyes were starting to shine with light again. His smile was a bit brighter, and his tone was warmer. His appetite had also returned. He joked with Gojyo as they drove and whined about being hungry. It was all so very normal.

Every now and then Sanzo would catch a haunted look in Goku's eyes. When he did he would turn around and ruffle Goku's hair. The first time he had done it Gojyo and Hakkai had gaped at him, but they quickly started to act like they weren't witnesses to Sanzo's strange displays of tenderness toward Goku. Some things were better off ignored.

Goku's healing was going to be slow, but at least he was healing. Sanzo knew that he might not be able to drive all of Goku's nightmares away, but he could help comfort him when he was confronted with them.

Sanzo's thoughts were quickly cut off when a boulder landed right in front of Hakuryuu. "We've come for the scripture," Kougaiji announced from atop the boulder. Lirin, Doukugakuji, and Yaone were standing beside him.

"Heh," Goku smirked, "From what I've been told I owe you a beating."

Kougaiji allowed a smile to slip across his lips. "I think it's the other way around actually," he said.

"Just try it," Goku said jumping up towards him.

Sanzo tossed Lirin a meat bun and watched as Goku fought with Kougaiji. Yes, his monkey was slowly returning to normal. As he watched he couldn't see any traces of Goku wanting to surrender. And that was perfect. Goku never surrendered, not to anything, and he would make sure he didn't surrender to his unknown past as well.

_The End!_

_**xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx**_

**(1)This is referring to "Silent Cry" when Goku was taken and Sanzo could hear him but couldn't find him. **

**So this story was inspired by the song "Surrender" by Skillet. It's pretty obvious which parts reflect the song, and if you haven't heard it there's a link to a Sanzo/Goku amv on my profile with it. Check it out, it's worth it, I promise! (Unless you aren't a fan or rock.) I hope you all liked it. Thank you for reading!**

**Voice: POOR Goku! **

**Me: … please review.**

**Note: There might be another in this series of one-shots there might not. I haven't decided.**


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